Yes, That is Collective Trauma and Grief you Feel

April 16, 2020

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What you are feeling right now, what we are all feeling right now is trauma and grief. This is a collective trauma but we may experience the trauma and the reactions in different ways. I know it is a different trauma than many people are used to or even think about. If you are old enough and remember 9/11, this is similar. No one was telling us to get shit done during the day or the immediate aftermath of 9/11. Americans were all traumatized and grieving. Most of us were frozen with fear and grief. That is what this is, but on a much larger scale. This isn’t just affecting Americans but it is worldwide. Also, this isn’t just happening on one day. This will be months. But, our brains are still operating like we are in an immediate trauma.. So that means that even if this is months, we are still in a trauma response.

During trauma, our brain functions differently. It does this to protect us but it can make everyday tasks difficult to complete. The first thing that happens during a trauma response in the brain is that our fear center or amygdala is overactivated. When this area, which is like a fire alarm, is activated, we feel hypervigilant, afraid and reactive. The next terrible event is that your prefrontal cortex, or the thinking center, is under activated during trauma. So that means, you aren’t thinking clearly and might not be making good decisions. This area is responsible for problem solving, rational thought, planning, you know important stuff like that. Another thing that happens during a traumatic event is our emotions get all out of whack. The anterior cingulate cortex or the emotion regulation center is also under activated during this time. This area helps us with emotion regulation. When this area isn’t strong, we can become overwhelmed by our emotions. We may become more impulsive and speak without thinking at times.

So, during a traumatic event like COVID-19, your brain is in survival mode. You are feeling afraid and reactive. You aren’t thinking clearly or able to solve problems and you are impulsive. This is not a time to start that dream project. This is not the time to be productive. In fact, your brain almost guarantees that you cannot be productive. At least in a traditional sense. Our brain is telling us that we just need to survive. As I talked about in my last blog post, some people seem to be able to override their trauma response and are doing all sorts of “productive” things. But, in reality, they are in the “flight” stage of trauma. I see their frenetic energy and know it is just a different trauma and anxiety response. Some. people will move from fight to flight to frozen responses during this time. Some may just stay in their comfort zone normal response to anxiety. Mine is definitely “freeze.” No matter what, it is important to accept what your emotions and body are doing during this time. There is really no right or wrong way to handle this grief, other than honoring yourself and accepting that your brain is not functioning in top gear right now. And that is okay.

Culture of Toxic Positivity and COVID

April 10, 2020

So, I have always thought about writing a blog for this site. But, I never had a topic in mind or any time to really devote to it. With COVID-19 and house arrest, this has changed. You see, many of my sessions are very similar now. We all have the same thing causing us stress right now. But, I do notice something else going on as well.

Here is how my sessions typically go currently. A few minutes talking about the state of the world and current events. At some point, I will ask how they are doing with staying home or how their anxiety has been. Inevitably, I will get some version of this.

Client: I am doing okay. I am just not as productive as I would like. I mean, I have this extra time so I really should be (insert whatever thing here).

The thing that my client feels like they should be doing varies. It can be exercise, cleaning or organizing the house, starting a new hobby, writing a book or starting a business.

Me (through clenched teeth): We are in a global pandemic so you might want to go a bit easy on yourself. What I really want to say is “WE ARE IN A GLOBAL PANDEMIC! WE HAVE NEVER BEEN IN THIS SPOT BEFORE! THIS IS NOT A RETIREMENT OR SABBATICAL!

I know where this pressure is coming from in our society. I also see the posts on social media.

“You don’t know how you are going to afford food this month? Come on, appreciate the extra time to start your dream business! You have so much time and motivation!”

“You have asthma and work at a hospital? Oh, be thankful you have a job and a paycheck right now.”

“You should be so happy that you get to spend all this extra time with your kids even though you are trying to work full time from home and homeschool your children.”

“Don’t focus on all the people dying. Look at how many have recovered.”

“Choose joy! Just ignore that your family member has to die alone with no visitors.”

Okay, I know I am exaggerating but not by much. When people post the positive crap online, and I know they have the best intentions, it can make others feel real shitty. And that was before the pandemic. This happens in our culture every day and is damaging on many levels. We have a problem with toxic positivity and constant optimism in our society. Because of this, many of us ignore or hide negative feelings. But, we have to feel our feelings. Negative feelings suck but are completely normal. Because of this eternal optimism on social media, I have clients that feel like something is wrong with them when they feel sad or angry or lonely or any other not happy feeling. They, and many others, feel shame when they see the positive posts about choosing joy. We can decide how to react to feelings but we can’t choose our feelings. Sadness or anger are feelings that are just as important as joy or happiness. Without anger, how would you know someone is violating a boundary? Without sadness, how would you know you need to change something in your life?

And this is just in general. This happens all the time anyways. But, during this global pandemic, I am seeing it more and feeling more pissed off about it. Just stop. Please. This is not the time for choosing joy. This is the time to feel scared, sad, angry and anxious. If we ignore our feelings and distract ourselves with over the top structure, we are simply trying to control what we can’t control. And this is a problem. This also doesn’t lead to any type of change. This makes you cut off from your feelings. I know that distraction can be healthy and necessary. We need to work or go to the grocery store. We can’t be paraylyzed with fear for 24 hours a day every day. But the other side is not healthy either. Scheduling our entire day and denying what is happening outside of ourselves is not a great response. It is not great for yourself and it is not great for other people. People who are having a difficult time with this then feel shame. They feel like something is wrong with them. They wonder why they haven’t learned another language or why they aren’t appreciating the extra time with their kids.

Although I know, because I follow them on social media, that some people are doing okay during this time. They are thriving, perhaps. But, please recognize that this is what they want to share. They may not be doing as well as they decide to present. Or they may be doing all of these things but that is a disservice to themselves. They are responding to this trauma in an overly rational manner and not allowing themselves to feel any emotions. This may serve them well but only for a short period. It is unsustainable. They are also missing out. Because even though this time and these feelings are horrible, our best periods of growth happen during painful times. And if you don’t feel the pain, you don’t get to grow.

So, however you are feeling right now, it is okay. However you are trying to cope, it is okay. We are all struggling right now. Like the immediate aftermath of a loss or trauma, you just have to try to do the basic tasks- get enough sleep, eat food and go easy on yourself. Reach out to friends or family when you can. Or find a therapist if you don’t have one to help you through this time. But, really just know that you are doing the best you can and that is perfect.